I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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