my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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