1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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