Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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