How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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