im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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