I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
