maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
