I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
