life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
