So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
