Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
