There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
