Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
