I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
