i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
