Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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