just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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