oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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