Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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