She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
