My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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