Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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