i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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