She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
