I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
