cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
