I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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