Need sex. Gaining weight.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
