I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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