You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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