I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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