i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
