I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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