Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
