Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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