Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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