my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
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This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
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It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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