i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
