I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
