I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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