I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
