I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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