i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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