saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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