So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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