if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
