12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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