god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
