This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
