I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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